Die-hard Cincinnati fans can finally take a sigh of relief after an active shooter opened fire at Paul Brown stadium this evening.
After giving up two touchdowns by the end of the first quarter, the gunman/die-hard fan, Timothy Dalton, unleashed hell, saving fans from watching what would surely have been the Bengals' 13th straight loss. Authorities claim this wasn't a terrorist attack or even a felony considering only a handful of fans were in attendance.
"It's been a tough year..." claimed Fred Subleski, a life-long Bengals fan. "We knew that it was gonna take something big to whip this team into shape, and what better way to do it than hurling yourself onto the field carrying numerous firearms."
Coach Taylor expressed his gratitude. "It was quite fortunate turn of events, especially for those 5 lucky fans that will never have to endure another Bengals game again."